pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
You Might Also Like
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Print is alive and well!!!
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
This chloroform smells expensiv…