I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
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It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life