Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
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Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.