Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
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The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Dune (2021)
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I enjoy a good short stor
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.