Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
“We will wed,” I threatened
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
When someone says you are so lazy
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Huge, if true.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.