It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
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I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Tastes like chicken.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold