Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
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If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.