Literally! 🤣 #dogs
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Lmfao
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.