Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
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[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
One venti cheeseburger please.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs