I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
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AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Rambo Rambow
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
San Francisco has too many rules
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?