Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
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Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
fourth time’s the charm
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.