My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.