[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
The Assassin.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?