Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
You Might Also Like
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.