Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
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[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
What is going on? 😅
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk