Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
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detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Well, shit
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.