Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
You Might Also Like
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.