Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
March 16
*seductively eats two tums*
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.