Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.