I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
You Might Also Like
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes