[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
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Miscakes
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…