I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
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going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
bro what is going on at twitter
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary