Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
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my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Do one person every day that scares you.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”