Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.