Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
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Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses