You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
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My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.