I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
channeling her this year
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring