St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
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Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
It was worth a shot 😂
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.