Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
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You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.