There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
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If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Sooo many times…..
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”