Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
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[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.