I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Oh, I bet you would be
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*