[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
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{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?