Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
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*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.