Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
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Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Okey dokey.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.