HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
No Google it does not
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug