The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
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Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
The booster protects against what, now?
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
finally found a reasonable question
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.