[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies