Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
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ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat