Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
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My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.