My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
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My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
This is a bad sign
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now