One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
You Might Also Like
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man