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Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.