[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
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When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.