you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
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My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…