Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
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I’m good, thanks.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Wait for it
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin