Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”