“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
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LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?