me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
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A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.