it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Somebody call the cops.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Goat cheese is for herders.
My flabber has been gasted.