her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
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If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I’m confused about plants
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers